Schneewittchen (Snow-White)

Once upon a time there was a girl named Wittchen who was as pale as a ghost.
Her inability to tan triggered her appreciation for wintertime and deep love of snow.

Wittchen grew up without biological parents. She was turned over to the foster system at a young age and ended up with a mother figure who seemed to be drafted from nightmares. This woman had an unhealthy obsession for unachievable beauty standards and a jealous contempt for Wittchen, which manifested into consistent emotional bullying and abuse. Wittchen's sole moments of happiness were the times when fresh powder was falling and backcountry slopes were glistening. They lived in the mountains: the only perk in Wittchen's life.

One afternoon, after a hormonal injection session gone horribly wrong, Wittchen's mother figure lost whatever small pieces of empathy she had left and convinced herself that Wittchen's youthful, teenage beauty was a deliberate slap in the face from the universe, and crafted a plan to end Wittchen's life for good.

She hired a hitman to follow Wittchen into the snowy mountains and murder her where no one could hear her screams. But once the hitman saw Wittchen shredding with grace and smiling with joy he realized he needed to get himself a better job. He told Wittchen to disappear, never to be seen again, or her mother figure would surely cut her heart out.

Wittchen fled into the backcountry and sought refuge in a wilderness rescue cabin. Inside, she found seven first responders of the Snow Mountain Search and Rescue Team, who lived there nine months of the year. After listening to her cries about a foster mother who had sent a hitman to carve out her heart, they concluded that this was a delicate emotional scenario and offered to let her stay for a few nights until she felt comfortable going to the police. "The mountain air is good for the soul," one of them said.

The next morning a blizzard was brewing, and the seven first responders went out for their routine trail checks. Wittchen heard a knock at the door. It was her delusional mother figure, haggard from a chemical peel and hallucinating on anti-aging pills, completely unrecognizable. Wittchen, assuming it was a lost hiker with advanced frostbite, invited them inside to warm up. Her mother figure, proud of her trickery, reached into her pack and pulled out a power bar. "As a thank you for your kindness," she wheezed.

Wittchen accepted politely. Her foster mother grinned. Wittchen took a large bite when suddenly her throat began to itch. Her eyes popped open wide as she realized what flavour she was eating: apple.

Wittchen was allergic to apples, and not in the trendy kind of way. Knees buckling, she could hear her foster mother's words as her throat closed up and anaphylaxis took over: "Bitch please, it's organic."

As Wittchen fell to the floor, her mother figure dragged her out to the snowy porch to freeze to death, then fled, laughing wildly.  The first responders returned, terrified at what happened, and struggled to revive her. Convinced she was dead, they laid her out on a fallen log to say their goodbyes. At the same time, a mountain man trekked out from the trees.

That is where he found her, laid out on a blanket of snow, her pale skin shimmering like ice crystals, black hair cascading around her, and lips turning purple from the storm. She was like a painting. He reached into his pack, grabbed an EpiPen from his trekker's first aid kit, and stabbed Wittchen in the thigh. Questioning the Search and Rescue's ability to give proper medical assistance, he pushed them aside and gave Wittchen mouth-to-mouth until she started breathing again. 

Wittchen awoke and thanked the man for saving her life. Then she sat up and declared, "I'm locking this monster away for life," before collapsing from a weakened immune system.

Wrapping her up in a blanket, he carried Wittchen off towards an actual hospital- and a police station, where they put her mother figure away for child abuse and attempted murder.

What's the most extreme anti-aging trick you've tried? Share in the comments section.