Prinsessen pa Erten (the Princess and the Pea)

One upon a time there was a young woman named Sessen, who suffered from sciatica and other forms of chronic back pain.

Luckily, she was born into a royal family and with riches and extravagance at her disposal, Sessen was able to craft an elaborate and luxurious sleeping regime.

Sessen slept only on the exclusive Janjaap Ruijssenaars floating bed, with a high-tech magnetic system that suspended it off of the floor to give the feel of sleeping on an actual cloud, topped with an exclusive, eight-figure Vispring mattress containing six thousand springs, and delicately crafted with the perfect formula of organic and hand-spun silk, cashmere, horsetail, and rare Vicuna wool. Finally, Sessen's beds were only dressed in Charlotte Thomas bed sheets of high quality Merino wool, woven with small amounts of gold carat and a silk jacquard, and down duvets and pillows that were changed out each Wednesday and made from wild, free-range eider ducks from the Siberian coasts.

Like we said. She had sciatica.

One night, Sessen was out, exploring the wilderness and beauty of the Faroe Islands, when a terrible storm began. The cold weather triggered Sessen's sciatica and the storm conditions foiled any plans of Sessen arriving home that same evening. Thus, she was forced to take refuge in a quaint castle not far off the road. Knocking on the door, she hoped a good-natured family would let her take shelter from the storm.

What Sessen got, in return, was a nightmare far worse than any Nordic cyclone.

When the Peabody family welcomed their mysterious stranger into their home, they began grilling her with questions about her background. Reluctant to believe that Sessen was truly royalty, Sessen was forced to recite her ancestral line three times before they even offered her soup. Somewhere along a third great-grandmother twice removed, Sesson nearly collapsed from nerve pain.

After Sessen finished her soup (which was mediocre rabbit but gracious, she supposed), Sessen met the Peabody's son, who had just inherited the family's booming international vegetable empire. He sat too close to her, smiled too widely, and Sessen promptly asked if she could retire to some adequate chambers and get a little rest for the night.

After much fussing and whispers from the servants, she was finally escorted to the eastern wing, and shown a 6.3 million-dollar Baldachinno Supreme bed that Sessen thought was decent for a middle-class royal, at best. Alas, it would have to do, so Sesson changed into organic bamboo nightclothes and prepared to rough it for the night, now knowing what it must have been like for her friends who had attended the Fyre Festival.

Throughout the night, Sessen tossed and turned, and felt like she was sleeping on a pile of bowling balls. It was a ghastly, horrendous, disaster. Once the first rays of the sunrise peeked over the hills, and she realized the rain had stopped, Sessen jumped out of bed and began descending the stairs.

The Peabodys were waiting her her at the bottom of the staircase, asking her how she slept.

Sessen, born with etiquette, decided to be polite.

"Terrible. My back is killing me."

This response delighted the family and they began rambling on about how their son would take Sessen as his wife.

Sessen, exhausted, in pain, and completely offended, told them to go fuck themselves, carried on her way home, purchased the shitty little castle, and turned it into her winter cottage.

Where she lives happily. With gold-spun fucking bedding.